The Three Words Quiz

Just a fact:  You are not your eating disorder.  Your eating disorder is not you.  You are separate.

All day today I have been having some struggles.  Lots of negative and unhealthy thoughts involving food and exercise, crying every hour, and a range of emotions being exerted onto myself.  I felt angry at God, at life.  I felt hopeless and angry.  Two years like this is so frustrating, and I began to cry to my older brother.  He comforted me, and after I listened to some encouraging music by one of my favorite bands, Third Day, I began to wash some kale.  While washing it, I began to wonder how other people would view me differently if they knew what my daily thoughts were like.  I pondered it for several moments before asking my brother a simple questioned that changed my perception of life.  

"Hey," I started.  "If you had to describe me in one word what would it be?"  "Crazy," he said very matter of factually.  I laughed, replying  "Okay, good one.  How about three words?"  His response to this was, "crazy, beautiful, and childlish."  

This shocked me.  in the grips of my eating disorder, he's seen me cry, throw food, scream and curse in anger at him and my mom, have anxiety attacks, hide food,  interrupt peaceful family dinners because of "portion-sizing" arguments, and freak out in restaurants on his birthday. He's had to deal with the feeling of sadness he felt when he baked me a beautiful three teared cake for my birthday and I denied it and refused to eat any of it because of anorexia's voice in my head yelling at me to not eat it.  He's seen me at my worst, he's dealt with my extreme mood swings and my destructive habits.  He's had to stop what he's doing to check on me when my workouts are "almost done" but I said that 10 minutes ago.  He's overcame so much too.  And not one of his three words brought that up.  Childish because of my intense, giggly and immature sense of humor that would be very inappropriate in front of the elderly folks in the world (ha-ha it's true!).  Crazy because of my spontaneity and random outbursts due to PMS, and Beautiful because he just sees the real me that way.  He doesn't see me as a spazzy and struggling girl with anorexia.  He sees me as the girl I am meant to be; happy, strong, capable, and okay;  just another human who is going through their life path.  Someone who has struggles but is not the cause of the pain that they feel.  

Take from this story that people do not see you as the ways your eating disorder makes you.  Family and loved ones who love you unconditionally do not see the mean things you did out of anxiety during recovery...  They see the little pieces of you buried deep inside your heart.  They recognize the true you versus your eating disorder.  They know you can beat your disorder, whether it's bulimia, anorexia, an EDNOS, or BED.  They know that the anxious, cold, and distracted person who you act like is not actually the real you.  They can tell and know the real you when they see it.  They know you are not your eating disorder.  They love the real YOU.  They do not love ED.  Embrace the YOU inside of yourself and set it free.  

This image represents the fact that good times are coming- the tough times will not last forever!  Keep moving forwards.  You don't need to know your destination- just keep taking steps in what feels like the right direction; steps towards the light, steps towards good health (both mentally/emotionally and physically!) and positive healing in all aspects of life.  :)

Holiday Anxiety-- How to Cope

It is officially Autumn-- leaves falling, snow falling, and chilliness filling the air!  Fall is my favorite season because i like wearing long sleeves and sweatpants (my weakness!) and I enjoy getting to cuddle with blankets and the smells of fire places!  
Another thing that happens as a result of the change in seasons is the upbringing of holidays!  For some this is a major plus, for some it spikes great fear, anxiety, and bad memories, which is completely understandable for those struggling with an eating disorder of any kind.  

There are three main components to celebrating holidays that may trigger anxiety and ED behaviors for many:  Social & Noise, Food & Mealtime.  Let's look at how to cope with these 2 major points!!  

SOCIAL & NOISE:  For a lot of ED recover-ees, it is really difficult to engage in casual conversation and maintain an upbeat attitude during it.  Also, due to the amount of people celebrating all together in one facility/home, the noise level may also trigger anxiety because it feels so overwhelming.  You feel out of place and awkward thinking, "I'm so different from all these happy people and no one even knows what I'm really going through..." (etc).  Let's change these views and cope healthier!!

SOCIAL & NOISE ADVICE:  

Before the party/gathering, brainstorm a list of casual party starters so conversation can flow more easily.

  

if conversation about diet, weight loss, or exercise begins, remove yourself politely from the conversation and take a step to another room or pretend you have a phone call (works every time, trust me!!)

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed due to the noise and all the activity around you, step into a quiet area of the home or go to a parent/brother/sister/relative you like and trust and sit with them.  Another idea is find a pet; a dog, fish tank, or cat; that you can cuddle with.  Animals are very therapeutic and help take away stress.  :)

When engaging in conversation, it's okay to laugh, ask questions, and not agree with others' opinions about a topic!  Lower your guard and make new friends when the opportunity presents itself.  Remember that you do not need to talk to anyone you feel uncomfortable talking to!  You are strong and assertive!!

If someone asks you about your eating disorder or comment on your weight, you are not obligated to be open with them.  In fact, that question is very inappropriate and disrespectful.  Medical conditions and illnesses are not an appropriate party conversation, especially if you don't even know the relative well.  If you are uncomfortable with answering them, you can just reply by saying, "I prefer to not discuss those things here, it is private.  Thanks."  I was at a restaurant with my dad and step mom and she said, "so when you were in the hospital did you look like, really sickly thin?"  I replied by politely and matter-of-factually saying, "I actually don't remember on account of the fact that my heart rate was below 30 and I could barely process the activity going on around me."  That shut her up greatly :).    

FOOD & MEALTIME WITH OTHERS:  Okay guys-- now here come the big macho portion of the root of our anxiety around the holidays:  the food.  I found it really hard to cope during the holidays because of the way food was distributed:  there were no pre-sized portioned piles of mashed sweet potatoes and definitely not a nutrition facts label pasted on the back of the back of the roasted Brussels sprouts.  It was uncomfortable to be around so many different foods at once because I was used to hospital food and pre-plated food.  I never served myself during recovery because I knew I couldn't trust myself with eating the right amount at each meal for weight gain.  All in all, I swear that the holidays for me were and still can be like an episode of Fear Factor at times.  If you have never watched this show it is basically people doing scary and ridiculous things to see how far they can go to overcoming fears.  Holy s*it-- we all can relate to this, especially those in anorexia recovery-- the ridiculous things we "have to do" (eat 1 cookie or a brownie or a bag of chips & some guacamole) are actually not as ridiculous and scary as we think they are.  Our concepts of bad and good are skewed.  And we have to regain reality back-- the holidays is perfect for this! :)

ADVICE FOR FOOD & MEALTIME WITH FAMILY/FRIENDS:

If you feel are early in recovery and are not used to palte-ing your own food, either:

A.  Ask your caretaker who is helping you eat at home (mom,dad,grandparent,guardian,brother or sister,etc) to plate your food for you-- (it's okay! trust them :) )

B.  Plate the food yourself.  This can be scary, for everyone struggling with and eating disorder.  If you find yourself stuck and frozen in fear or choosing the wrong foods for your meal, observe what others are eating.  

Comparing portion sizes and food choices to your friends/relatives WILL COME UP.  You have the choice to let the ED voice affect you!  Stay strong-- you deserve to enjoy the holidays!  

Second helpings are OK during almost all ANOREXIA RECOVERY treatment plans!-- Just remember to always listen to your fullness signs.  If you are still hungry after your minimum requirement of food intake (for anorexia) it is okay to take a second helping.  It doesn't matter if your second serving is a grain/carbohydrate, a veggie, or a fruit.  If you are still hungry, you should enjoy something you enjoyed.  Don't make yourself eat the spinach just because you think it has the lowest caloric content-- get a second cornbread muffin because you actually enjoyed it!  

****  BED, EDNOS, bulimia, and anorexia are all very hard to deal with because everyone fears bingeing.  Bingeing occurs when you can't stop eating and food takes control of you.  You are hiding in the food, not really enjoying it but eating so much of anything you can find until you feel so uncomfortably full it is painful for you. If you see a food you have recently binged on, avoid it.  If you feel like you cannot stop eating something, please seek help.   The tip above is mainly directed for anorexia patients-- if you have BED, bulimia, or EDNOS please discuss plans for holiday gatherings with your therapist, parent/guardian/treatment team.  ****

To a lot of family gatherings during my recovery I brought my own food from home to enjoy with everyone else.  Because of my vegan & gluten free diet (will be discussed in a later post!) it is hard to enjoy the food that mainstream people enjoy during the holidays and at parties.  If you also have allergies and logical food restrictions (don't become gluten free just because you are afraid of wheat, etc!) then ask your caregiver/parent to make your meal before you go and pack it up via plastic containers!!  

***  This is also helpful for BED & bulimia-- pack your pre-portioned meal ahead of time and enjoy it with everyone-- just put the food our on a regular plate to make it look less awkward!!.  ***

Release yourself from food rituals!  Try to overcome the OCD present with your food anxiety!  

Mealtime changes are OKAY!  It's okay to eat later or earlier than usual-- flexibility is lovely, trust me!  

Holidays are meant to be a celebration, not something to fear!!  Anxiety is normal.  We all have it, whether it's ED related or not.  Set aside your anxiety and enjoy yourself.  Holidays are a practice that teach ourselves to enjoy life -- not just on issued holidays, but all the time :) <3 !! 

Schedule Anorexia

Those with Orthorexia or Anorexia tend to be very obsessive about maintaining and following schedules, whether that be a meal plan, a exercise schedule/routine, or a daily planner that dictates the times that allow eating and drinking to occur.  Consistency is lovely to have, but it isn't right to have no balance in our lives.  We need to have balance, but what we do not need is extremism and no flexibility-- a.k.a rigid and anti-flexible routines!!

When I was in recovery (and I still am!), I felt as though I was obligated to obey the rules of my eating disorder and was bound to the chains it wrapped around my mind and body.  I was constantly absorbed in worrying about family events and friend outings that conflicted with my obsessive schedules.  I lived in fear of breaking the sequence of events that happened daily.  Let's look at schedule A, the way I lived previously to enlightenment.  

SCHEDULE (A)NOREXIA

1.  I had to wake up early every morning to workout before school (when I was attending school).  If I didn't I was a mess.  I cried because sleeping in meant I was "lazy" and "fat".
2.  Then I had to work out because if I didn't I was deemed to hear the aggressive sounds of my eating disorder yelling at me.  I would cry and feel uncomfortable throughout the whole day.  
3.  If I didn't drink a certain amount of water every day, I felt "dirty" and not "detoxed".  
4.  I had to eat lots of veggies.  If my plate didn't look 70% green/veggie-oriented, I would freak out.  I'd complain to my mom, the person at home who made my meals, and ask her to change my plate around to my liking in a not so kind manor.  

SCHEDULE (E)NLIGHTENMENT

1.  I can sleep in sometimes (even on school days!) 
2.  If I sleep in on the weekends it doesn't even faze me because I know that I can just get up, lace up my sneakers and do whatever my workout is for that day-- heck, sometimes when I go to school late in the mornings, I'll still squeeze in my workout and then head to school!
3.  If I wake up late for school, I don't fret about missing my morning workout.  I still feel slightly nervous about it, but anorexia's clutch no longer hold me and make me feel sad.  I don't feel upset, I don't cry, and I don't let it hold me back from enjoying the rest of my day.  Sometime's I will workout after school, and I don't even work out on Mondays as it's my rest day.  I feel free and happy with the choices I make now about exercise and my workout consistency.
4.  I drink a lot of water throughout the day because I like to be hydrated.  I don't feel forced or obligated to by the voices in my head.
5.  Food doesn't bother me anymore.  I maintain a sugar and gluten-free-vegan diet and it's not because wheat, gluten, eggs, meat, dairy, and sugar freak me out.  They are my personal health choices that fit best for me.  Sometimes I brake away from these beliefs and eat something with natural sugar in it.  I don't cry anymore.  I don't take beating from my anorexia.  I am recovered now and I gained back my strength.  I know that I am free now and I am not going to let anything stand in my way--  especially not a voice that has been already overthrown.  Others trust me to make my meals and pack a nutritious lunch everyday for school and work.  

Okay guys--

Let's be real here!  Look at how much more freedom and self-love and respect that I have in life schedule (E)NLIGHTENMENT compares to the controlling (A)NOREXIA one.  I am so much more happy.  This porves that change can be good-- braking away from anorexia is awesome!  Be your own person!  Don't be afraid to stray from your routine!  

***  BRAKING AWAY FROM ANOREXIA STARTS WITH YOU.  TAKE YOUR FIRST STEP-- OVERTHROW ANOREXIA FROM THE LAND OF ___(your lovely name here!)___!!  BE YOUR OWN COUNTRY-- REBUILD THE GOVERNMENT AND BE FREE :)  ***